Skin Deep
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: My Valentine's Day story this year (thank you AnaBanana27 for the suggestion!) Poison Ivy's latest plant growth serum has unexpected and hopefully humorous results when Harley injects herself with it in the hopes of surprising the Joker on Valentine's Day.
1. Chapter 1

**Skin Deep**

Poison Ivy smiled to herself as she removed her goggles, looking with pride at her latest plant creation. "You're beautiful, baby," she whispered, running her hand along the vine, which, thanks to her newly invented serum, had turned from a scrawny and thin weed into a thick and hardy piece of vegetation. "Of course in your case, it's not the outside that counts. But with human beings, that's a different story, isn't it? They're all just superficial, so you should only use them for superficial purposes. And with Valentine's Day coming up, I'm just not willing to take any chances."

There was a knock on her door, and Ivy sighed, removing her gloves. "Just a second!" she called, heading toward the door. She opened it to reveal her best friend, Harley Quinn.

"Harley, did Joker kick you out again?" Ivy asked. "That's typical of him, actually – kick you out the day before so he doesn't have to make any effort for Valentine's Day…"

"No, Red, it's Galentine's Day!" exclaimed Harley. "Remember, the day before Valentine's Day when you hang out with your gals? I mentioned it to you last week by saying we should all hang out at yours today, and you were all for it."

"Oh…yeah, I think I just got distracted by work and kinda forgot," said Ivy. "But you know I'll always be in favor of women supporting women. Come on in," she said, holding open the door.

"I brought champagne," said Harley, holding up a bottle. "I had to steal it away from Mr. J – he's forbidden me from drinking alcohol, but what he doesn't know won't hurt him."

"Wow, going behind J's back like that – I'm kinda surprised you have the guts," said Ivy, impressed.

"Well, geez, Red, I don't live in fear of him!" laughed Harley. "Frankly, if he found out I was stealing alcohol, he'd probably beat me, and then I'd beat him, and we'd end up fighting, and finishing with hot and heavy makeup sex, which I'm always up for."

"Whatever will get you in the mood on Valentine's Day, I guess," sighed Ivy. "Just as long as I don't have to hear about it."

"What about you and Harvey?" asked Harley. "Do you have plans for Valentine's Day?"

"He's actually not around," said Ivy. "You remember last year I got really upset that he didn't make any plans?"

"Yeah, you ended up destroying a large portion of Gotham with your killer plants, and then dragged me and Selina to an island with only women," said Harley, nodding. "Who then tried to kill us and the guys when they came to rescue us. But all's well that ends well, and me and Mr. J got to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel, so I guess you could say it ended really well."

"Yes, well, Harvey decided it would make things less complicated this year if he was out of town," said Ivy. "He's gone to South America to be alone this Valentine's Day. Not that he's ever alone when he has two personalities – I'm sure he'll be able to keep himself company somehow."

"Gee, Red, you're taking this well," said Harley. "Which is surprising considering how badly you took things last year."

"Well, a smart, sophisticated, independent woman should never get hung up on some guy," said Ivy. "So I'm not. A smart, sophisticated, independent woman just goes out and finds someone else."

"So you're just gonna go to some bar and pick up a randomer on Valentine's Day?" asked Harley. "I dunno, Red – that sounds kinda risky to me, especially in Gotham. There are a lotta weirdos here, in case you hadn't noticed."

"I had noticed," retorted Ivy. "But don't worry, Harley, I can take care of myself. And I'm not gonna be too picky. It really doesn't matter if the guy has the personality of a brick - I'm not looking for a long term relationship, just a good physical encounter."

"But Red, you can't tell by looking at someone if they're gonna be good in bed," said Harley. "Except Mr. J, of course. It's obvious from looking at him that he's crazy good, but not everyone is as transparent as he is."

"O…K…" said Ivy, slowly. "Anyway, I don't intend to leave it to chance, Harley. If he's a nice-looking guy, it doesn't really matter how skilled he is as long as he has the right-sized equipment. I can take charge of things as long as he has that, and bring them to a satisfactory conclusion."

"But that's what I'm saying, Red – you can't always tell by looking," said Harley. "Again, except for Mr. J. You can see how substantial he is if you stare at the bulge in his pants as long as I have."

"Or you can not leave these things to chance," said Ivy, hastily. "You can change them with science," she said, holding up the syringe containing the serum she had just tested on the plant.

"What's that?" asked Harley.

"It's something I've invented to make things grow a little," said Ivy. "So even if a guy is lacking in size, I can help him out by injecting him with this."

"Geez, Red, I dunno how your sexual encounters go, but I can't imagine getting down to business with a guy, and then asking him if he wouldn't mind being injected with something to make him bigger," said Harley. "You talk about awkward."

"There are subtle ways of doing these things, Harley," sighed Ivy. "Anyway, enough about that – is Selina coming?" she asked, glancing at her watch.

"She's probably being fashionably late, as usual," said Harley.

"Well, no reason not to let the champagne breathe," said Ivy, heading into the kitchen and taking out some glasses. "Dare I ask if you and J have plans for Valentine's Day without you giving me too many details?" she asked, handing Harley a glass and pouring the champagne.

"I think we're just gonna have a romantic night in, just the two of us," said Harley. "Mr. J mentioned something about a bearskin rug in front of a fire. Or he coulda said Batskin rug, and I heard bear," she added, frowning. "But I'm hoping this year he manages to ignore the Bat and focus on me. He promised me he would, but you know Mr. J and his promises."

"Yes, I do," sighed Ivy.

"I just wish there was something I could do to make him more interested," said Harley. "But I can't change who I am…"

"Nor should you," interrupted Ivy. "If J can't appreciate what he's got, you shouldn't go changing for him. You should never change yourself for some man. You're perfect just as you are, and if he doesn't see that, you're better off without him."

"Thanks, Red," said Harley, smiling at her. "I really appreciate your self-esteem boosts. But I do wanna do something special for him this Valentine's Day. Nothing makes me happier than seeing his smiling face smiling because of me. That's the sight that makes my life worth living."

"Harley, please don't make me sick," said Ivy.

"I'm not trying to," said Harley. "I'm just trying to tell you how I feel. He's so perfect, which is why I'm so in love with him, and I just wish I could make myself more perfect, so that he might be more in love with me."

She drained the champagne glass. "I thought about getting a boob job," she said suddenly.

"What?" demanded Ivy. "Why would you do that?"

Harley shrugged. "I've always been a little dissatisfied with 'em, and Mr. J's made jokes about 'em being too small before, and I just thought he might prefer me if I had a little more meat on me…"

"Harley, that's ridiculous," interrupted Ivy. "If you want to do that for yourself to help your own body image, I support you, but if you're changing your body to please some man, it's just wrong. Anyway, you should be happy with your body as it is – so what if other women have bigger boobs? I do, and let me tell you, they're a pain in the ass. You're lucky you've got what you've got, your body is perfect just the way it is, and you shouldn't consider changing it for anyone but yourself ever again. But if you wanna do something nice for J, why don't you surprise him naked on that bearskin rug tomorrow?"

"Yeah, I could do that," agreed Harley, nodding as Ivy poured her another glass of champagne. "As long as it ain't a Batskin rug in the end. That would be creepy on a few levels."

"Tell me about it," sighed Ivy. The doorbell rang, and Ivy went to answer it. "I bet that's Selina – get ready to hear about her exciting plans with Batman tomorrow."

"Assuming he survives his battle with Mr. J tonight," said Harley, smiling. Her smile fell as Ivy left, and she downed another glass of champagne. Harley did have a small, gymnast body, and as such, alcohol affected her more than an average sized person. And strange, often stupid ideas, seized upon her when she drank, which was one of the reasons the Joker had forbidden her from doing so. She had only had two glasses of champagne, but she had drunk them in quick succession with little to eat beforehand, and as her eyes fell on the syringe Ivy had left, a strange, stupid idea suddenly seized her. As much as she hated shots, she grabbed the syringe, took a deep breath, and suddenly injected it into her breast.

"Ow!" she exclaimed, looking down and frowning. Nothing appeared to have changed. She injected the other one with another cry of pain, but still nothing happened. "Stupid thing," she muttered, tossing it into the trash can. "Better not tell Red it doesn't work – then she'll know I used it. But on the other hand, if it doesn't work tomorrow night with whatever guy she picks up, she'll be real disappointed."

Harley opened her mouth as Ivy re-entered the room with Selina following. "I'm just saying, you should stop being such a size queen," Selina was saying, and Harley closed her mouth again, not wanting to interrupt. "I've been with plenty of guys who weren't as well endowed as others, but who have made up for it with more skill than guys who are."

"Anyone we know who fits that description?" asked Ivy, handing her a champagne glass. "Batman, for instance? He's obviously compensating for something."

"No, not Batman," sighed Selina.

"Bruce Wayne?" suggested Ivy.

"No, not him either," said Selina. "Just guys I've been with, ok? I'm not naming names."

"Why not, if size doesn't matter?" asked Ivy.

"It doesn't, not in the grand scheme of things," retorted Selina.

"No, I guess it's like a perk," said Ivy, nodding. "But it's a perk I like to have."

"There are other, more important perks to me," said Selina. "Endurance, for instance. That's more important than size."

"Why not both?" asked Harley. "Like Mr. J has. He can go for hours, and he leaves me sore and satisfied, in the best way, every single time."

They both looked at her. "Harley, do you really expect us to believe that the Joker, _the Joker_, is an incredible specimen of manhood with the stamina of a god?" demanded Ivy.

"Well, yeah, Red, you've heard us together in Arkham enough," said Harley, shrugging. "And why do you think he's always so happy?"

"I'm not drunk enough for this conversation," muttered Selina, downing her champagne. "Fill it up, please," she said, holding out her glass to Ivy.

"That's funny – that's what I say to Mr. J, because of the whole revving up your Harley joke," said Harley. "We sometimes use motorcycle euphemisms in bed, and pumping gas is a pretty obvious image for…"

"Harley, please, we don't need this," interrupted Ivy, grabbing her champagne glass away from her. "Geez, I can see why J doesn't want you to drink – you lose what limited filter you have. Now let's change the subject – it's Galentine's Day, after all, so no talking about men. Ok?"

"Ok, Red," said Harley, nodding. As Ivy and Selina continued to talk, Harley had fazed out of the conversation, her mind running wild with fantasies of the Joker, and blocking everything else from reality. Including the fact that she had tested Ivy's serum on herself, and that it hadn't worked. Or so she thought, but little did she know that both she and the Joker were going to receive a very unexpected Valentine's Day surprise.


	2. Chapter 2

Harley awoke the next day with a hangover, and all her attention was suddenly focused on the pain in her skull. "That's what I get for day drinking," she muttered, rubbing her eyes. She rolled over onto her side to get up, but as she tried to stand, her body suddenly toppled over with sudden weight, making her fall onto the floor face-first.

"Huh. Must still be disoriented from the alcohol," she muttered, trying to push herself to her feet. And it was only then that she realized that the rest of her body wasn't touching the ground. It was all being held up by her two giant breasts which definitely hadn't been there yesterday.

"What the…" began Harley, wondering if this was a dream for a moment. She put her feet on the ground and tried to lean back, but the effort to hold her back up straight was incredible. She pulled herself up on the bed, and realized that she couldn't see her stomach or toes looking straight down – she could only see two massive mounds of flesh, which pulled against her back with incredible force.

Harley was beyond confused, but through the headache and the confusion came the memory of her injecting herself with Ivy's growth serum. "Oh my gosh…it worked!" she gasped, reaching out to touch them. "They're real…"

She was momentarily giddy with excitement, but this was short-lived as she felt another twinge of pain in her back. And as a familiar voice suddenly shouted, "Harley!" from the other room.

"Mr. J!" she gasped, grabbing her robe and trying to cover herself with a sheet. "He can't see these yet – it's gotta be a surprise!"

"Harley, there you are!" snapped Joker, entering the room at that moment. "I've been calling you – didn't you hear me?"

"Uh…I did…Mr. J," stammered Harley, keeping her robe firmly shut as she tried to adjust the bedsheets over herself. "I was just…uh…distracted by…an unusual growth…on my body…"

"Do you think I wanna know about that, Harl?" demanded Joker. "That's disgusting. Especially with our obligated intimacy coming up tonight - do you think I wanna be distracted by thoughts of you having a growth on your body?"

"No, Mr. J," said Harley.

"Well, never mind – get dressed," he sighed. "We have some errands to run. Seeing as it's Valentine's Day, and since my night is monopolized by a certain greedy girlfriend of mine, I have to go on my crime spree ASAP. We're gonna buy a buncha those little chocolate heart samplers, unwrap 'em, inject Joker toxin into one random chocolate in each box, and then return them to the store. It'll be Russian roulette romance for some lucky couples tonight!" he chuckled. "God, I'm such a genius!" he sighed, heading for the door.

"Mr. J, do you think you might be able to do that yourself?" asked Harley. "Only I've got…things to do today too."

"Oh?" said Joker, turning back around. "You have things that you wanna do today _without_ me? That's surprising. You're the one who's always obsessed about us being together on Valentine's Day, and I thought a little romantic poisoning would be just the thing to get you in the mood for later."

"Yeah, it sounds great, Mr. J," agreed Harley, nodding. "Only…uh…I'm just not…feeling myself. I mean, I was kinda feeling myself earlier because I didn't believe it, but…now…well, I think I might be getting a cold," she invented.

Joker beamed. "Well, that's wonderful!" he exclaimed. "That means no obligated intimacy tonight, since you'd never be selfish enough to give me what you got, would you, Harley?"

"No, Mr. J," agreed Harley. "But…uh…I might be feeling better by tonight…so…maybe I can be waiting for you on that bearskin rug?"

"What bearskin rug?" asked Joker, frowning.

"I thought you were saying something about a bearskin rug and a fire yesterday," said Harley.

"Oh yeah, that," said Joker, nodding. "That was a Batskin rug, and that won't be possible because I didn't kill Batman, let alone skin him, and it's too late for that now since he's nocturnal. I was thinking we'd do our crime spree today, then come back here, curl up in bed, and watch the most romantic movie of all time."

"_The Princess Bride_?" asked Harley.

"Close," said Joker, nodding. "_Duck Soup_!"

"That's…not really a romance, is it?" asked Harley, slowly.

"Well, the Marx Brothers one has Groucho trying to court the dame," said Joker, shrugging. "So kinda. But your question should have been 'which version of _Duck Soup_'? Because both the Marx Brothers and Laurel and Hardy did a film called _Duck Soup_, and the answer to your question would be both…"

"So your plan for Valentine's Day is really us watching some silly slapstick comedy?" asked Harley.

"_Two_ silly slapstick comedies. And cuddling," said Joker, nodding. "Sounds great, huh?"

Harley sighed heavily. "Well, maybe I can change your plans," she muttered, pulling aside her robe and dropping the sheet.

Joker started back, crying out in surprise as he stared at her. "What the…hell?" he gasped.

"Do you like 'em, puddin'?" she asked. "I…I got 'em done for you as a Valentine's Day surprise…I thought you'd be pleased."

"Oh…sure," he stammered, staring at her open-mouthed. "I…am pleased...only a little…uh…a little…um…sorry, it's hard to think of words right now…"

"You do like 'em, huh?" she pressed.

"I do…like…" he stammered. "Like…uh…like…oh, Harley!" he gasped, seizing her in his arms and slamming her down on the bed.

_Well, that's one way to take the weight off my back_ thought Harley, as she returned his kisses.

"I thought you'd approve," she murmured, smiling as she lay in his arms afterward.

"I approve a lot," he chuckled. "As you could probably tell. But baby, how did you get this done so quick? I thought something like this would be kinda a long procedure…"

"Well, I didn't do it the traditional way," giggled Harley. "I was over at Red's yesterday, and she had made this serum she was gonna inject into guys to make 'em bigger, and I thought why not use it to make my girls bigger?"

Joker stared at her. "Say that again," he murmured.

"I was over at Red's yesterday…" began Harley.

"You injected yourself with something that crazy weed made to inject into men?!" demanded Joker, sitting up suddenly. "Do you have any idea how stupid that was, Harley?! You know what she's like! What if this thing she's invented has horrible side effects?! What if your boobs end up turning into plants, or falling off, or something?!"

"I don't think that's gonna happen…" began Harley.

"You don't think that man-hating plant-lover wouldn't think that's poetic justice?" demanded Joker. "Did you even ask her what was in that crap, or if it has any side effects?"

"I…I didn't tell her I did it," stammered Harley. "I thought she might be upset…I mean…I didn't really think…"

"That's right, you didn't think!" snapped Joker, standing up to get dressed. "C'mon, we're going over to hers right now and demanding that she changes you back!"

"No, puddin'!" exclaimed Harley, sitting up with difficulty. "I mean…you really like 'em, and I like how much you like 'em…why don't we just ask Red what was in that serum, and make sure it's nothing harmful? Then I can keep 'em, and we can all be happy."

"No, it's ruined now, Harley," he snapped, pulling on his clothes. "Now that I know that interfering plant fetishist is responsible for 'em, I'm thinking of her every time I see 'em, and it's ruined the magic. Come on, get dressed."

"I…uh…don't think I can," stammered Harley, pulling herself to her feet with difficulty and heading over to her closet. She pulled out her regular jumpsuit, and managed to pull it up to her chest, but not over. "They ain't gonna fit," she said, turning to Joker. "I think I'm gonna need new clothes."

"No, what you need is for that busybody weed to fix you!" snapped Joker. "I'll drag her back here by her hair if I have to, but she's turning you back to normal!"

"Ok, Mr. J," murmured Harley, sitting sadly down on the bed. She lay down, disappointed but relieved to take the pressure off her back again.

"Hey," said Joker, sitting down next to her. "It was a nice surprise. But you know this kinda thing don't make a difference to me, right?"

"It's just…you were really in the mood when you saw 'em, and you're not usually," said Harley, quietly.

"Well, you know me, baby," he said, smiling at her. "I'm a spontaneous kinda guy. And my girl getting massive funbags is a great, spontaneous thing for me. But I'm also the kinda guy who likes his comedy routine, and my Harley baby never changing is one of the things I've come to depend on, both mentally and physically. You know I ain't a superficial kinda guy."

"I know," said Harley, nodding. "I just thought it would be a way to make myself more perfect for you."

He kissed her. "You're a silly girl, Harley Quinn," he said, smiling at her. "To think you could be more perfect for me. You're a little idiot."

He kissed her again. "Now wait right there until I come back with the weed, and don't let anybody else see you. I don't want there to be anymore awkward explanations or situations today."

Spoiler alert: there would be.


	3. Chapter 3

Poison Ivy awoke to her phone ringing loudly at an unholy hour of the morning. "What the…" she muttered, reaching sleepily for it. "Hello?"

"Hey Pam, it's me," said a familiar voice on the other end.

"Harvey?" demanded Ivy, glancing at her clock. "It's like three in the morning – why are you calling me?"

"Sorry, forgot about the time difference," muttered Two-Face. "Look, I know it's late, but since you're awake…I think we need to talk."

"At 3 AM?" demanded Ivy. "I'm not going to be alert for this conversation!"

"Pam, just listen, please," he said. "I don't know who else to talk to, and I need…I need you to listen."

"Harvey, are you drunk?" demanded Ivy, noticing his slurred speech.

"I am that," he agreed. "Just listen…I was in this bar, and this chick starts coming on to me..."

"This young woman starts coming on to you," interrupted Ivy.

"Right, this young woman starts coming on to me, so I flip the coin, and it tells me to take her back to my hotel…"

"Why are you telling me about this, exactly?" demanded Ivy. "Are you hoping to get me jealous?"

"No, Pam, because…nothing happened," he stammered. "I mean…I did take her back to the hotel, and she was really up for it, but I…I couldn't do it."

"Harvey, I'm sure you can get Viagra in Brazil," retorted Ivy. "I do have herbal remedies for that, but I'm not sending them over…"

"No, Pam, I _could_ physically do it, but I…I didn't," he stammered. "The coin wanted me to and everything, but…I couldn't. I…I disobeyed the coin. But it would have felt wrong to obey it…it's just…never happened to me before. I don't know what to do. I mean, the coin tells me what to do, but I didn't obey the coin, and now…I just feel lost."

"Harvey, if you've had some sort of psychological breakthrough and you want guidance, I think you probably should have called Dr. Leland at 3 AM, and not me," retorted Ivy. "She would probably be interested, but I'm really not, and I really don't know what to tell you, other than try and sleep on it, and I'll do the same..."

"I was thinking of you, Pam," he said. "That's why I couldn't do it. It would have felt wrong to betray you like that…"

"We're not a couple, Harvey," snapped Ivy. "I don't know how many times I have to say that before you get it through your thick skull!"

"I know that," he said. "But…couldn't we try to be? I'm in love with you."

Ivy was silent. "Harvey…" she began.

"No, I know it's crazy, and I know you don't want me to be, but I am," he interrupted. "That's the only explanation for disobeying the coin. Some madness that overrides the other madness…I can't deny it anymore, and I can't ignore it anymore. It's affecting my life too much and…I'm gonna be on the first flight back to Gotham, so…do you wanna meet up for Valentine's Day?"

Ivy sighed heavily. "Sure, why not?" she said. "But if you expect me to look alive for our date, you'd better let me get back to sleep now."

"Of course. I'll…see you later then," he said. "Bye."

"Oh God, this I do not need," muttered Ivy, hanging up the phone and lying back down. "Still, I guess the upside is that I have a guaranteed date for tonight, and I won't be needing my serum. I guess there are positive aspects to everything, even a guy being in love with you," she sighed, rolling over and falling back asleep.

She was awoken what seemed only a short time later by a loud banging on the door. "God, a flight from Brazil could not be that quick," she muttered, sitting up and rubbing her eyes. "But maybe it's Harley since the clown probably did kick her out today…"

"You open up right now, you disgusting plant lover!" shouted another familiar voice. "I will break down this door if I have to!"

"I'd like to see that," retorted Ivy, as she threw a robe on and stormed to the door. "Joker, happy Valentine's Day," she said, smiling coldly at him. "Where's Harley? Did she finally grow a backbone and kick you out for once?"

"I guess she finally had to grow a backbone because of what you've done, but not in the way you think!" Joker retorted, glaring at her with his arms folded across his chest. "Where's Harley indeed! She's stuck in bed, because she can't get dressed, or get up, thanks to your creepy meddling with her body!"

"What? What are you talking about?" asked Ivy, puzzled.

"Your stupid growth serum gave her a massive pair of melons!" snapped Joker.

"Growth…serum…what?" stammered Ivy. "I didn't give her any melons..."

"Harley said you invented something to inject men with to make 'em bigger, and she was stupid enough to inject her boobs with it!" snapped Joker. "And now she's got this huge rack as a Valentine's Day surprise for me!"

"Oh, Harley!" sighed Ivy, facepalming. "You're right – she clearly shouldn't drink because she does stupid things when she does. But I don't really understand why you're here complaining about this, J. I warned her not to change her body to please you, but now that she's done it, you'd think you'd be happy."

"No, I am not happy that you subjected my girlfriend to your creepy experiments to get back at men!" snapped Joker. "And knowing you, you've put some horrible side effect in this serum to punish men for that time a guy dumped you! What's gonna happen to her boobs? Are they gonna sprout leaves? Are they gonna explode?"

"No, there are no side effects," replied Ivy.

"That you know of!" snapped Joker. "And do you honestly expect me to believe that? You actually made something to help a guy out by increasing his size without some horrible side effect to punish him?"

"It was intended to give him and me mutual pleasure," retorted Ivy. "So no, I didn't think I'd need to punish him. I mean, if he wasn't satisfactory, I'd feed him to my plants, but there was nothing in the serum to punish him. That would be a little messed up, even for me."

"I don't think it would be!" snapped Joker. "I think it would be pretty in character, actually! Anyway, even if you claim nothing's gonna happen, I'd rather be safe than sorry since I don't trust you to have thoroughly tested your little invention. I want you to get whatever antidote you have and come with me to fix Harley right now!"

"I don't have an antidote," retorted Ivy. "Why would I have needed one? It's not like the guy would want to be changed back…"

"Then you better make one now!" interrupted Joker. "I am not going to look at Harley every day knowing that you are responsible for the most attractive thing about her! Plus I could never enjoy them knowing that in the back of my mind I'd always have to be grateful to you for giving 'em to me!"

"I would think you'd appreciate the irony," retorted Ivy. "Anyway, don't blame me for this. I may have created this serum, but you're responsible for this by making Harley feel bad about her small breasts all these years."

"I have never done that!" snapped Joker. "I have made jokes about their size, but I make jokes about everything! Particularly things I like! She should know that about me! I blame the media and its unrealistic body expectations of women which it exposes girls to from a young age."

"You…what?" stammered Ivy, stunned.

"Oh come on, look in the papers and magazines!" snapped Joker. "Look in all those comics they write about us! The women are always dressed in revealing, gravity-defying clothing and physics-defying bodies with massive breasts and tiny waists and shapely asses! I can point to dozens of issues where they've drawn Harley with these huge melons that would completely incapacitate her from doing any kind of actual gymnastics, but the artists are pandering to a mostly male audience who have certain expectations about attractive women! And women then feel the need to conform to these expectations, however unrealistic they are! Harley's a small woman with smaller features, but that doesn't make her any less attractive, and I thought she was smart enough to know that, but apparently these kinds of subconscious signals can affect even the most intelligent people, which shows how insidious they actually are. It certainly illustrates the need for more diverse beauty standards in both art and life, but good luck changing millions of years of evolution. That's a pipe dream that's never gonna come true, so you should just give up trying to change things, accept that everything is messed up, and enjoy that fact."

"Oh God, I was with you up until that last part," sighed Ivy in relief. "Thank goodness – I thought for a moment we'd agree on something and then the world would end."

"Well, I think we do agree on getting Harley back to the way she was ASAP," retorted Joker. "So get on making a cure for this. I'm heading back home to make sure this doesn't get out, not that it should. Harley's basically incapacitated at the moment."

"I'll get her one of my bras and outfits to borrow while she's stuck like that, so maybe she can actually move around," said Ivy, heading into her room. "I know she's probably shocked by how much her boobs weigh, and how much they strain your back. I don't think small women or men really appreciate that."

"I guess we all have our cross to bear," retorted Joker. "You think finding comfortable underwear is a picnic for me, with my massive…"

"Nope, shut up," interrupted Ivy. "I heard all about that from Harley yesterday, and I choose not to believe it."

"Well, you can see it if you want," said Joker, reaching for his pants.

"Nope," interrupted Ivy again, throwing her clothes at him. "Just go now so I can focus on my work. I'll be over as soon as I've got something, and tested it properly. God knows we don't want the cure having a more horrible side effect than the disease."

"No, we don't," agreed Joker, heading for the door. "But with any luck, things will be back to normal very soon without anymore fuss."

Spoiler alert: they wouldn't.


	4. Chapter 4

"Boy, I never really understood the purpose of a bra before this," commented Harley, as she pulled on the bra Ivy had let her borrow. "That is some essential support right there. And look, the dress even has these little cups attached to it for extra support," she commented, as she pulled on the green dress from Ivy. "I've learned all these new things today, so that's good, I guess."

"Yeah, it's been a real revelation," retorted Joker.

"Why are you so grumpy?" asked Harley, turning to him. "I know you're disappointed that Red's responsible for my boobs, but I thought we had a nice time with them in bed earlier."

"It's not that," he said.

"Well, what is it?" she asked.

He gestured to her. "You don't even look like yourself, Harl," he said. "You're not wearing your clown makeup, and you got your giant melons and a green dress on and your blond hair down…you look like a completely different person."

"Are you saying you're actually so superficial that my breast size, and my hair, clothing, and makeup is what defines me to you?" demanded Harley.

"No, I'm not saying that," retorted Joker. "I'm just saying you don't look like Harley, and I don't like it. I mean, I know you _are _Harley – I'm not stupid. But I miss my girl looking like my girl. Right now you just look like a stranger, and I know you aren't, but it's just kinda uncanny and creepy. It would be like if Bats suddenly decided to take off his mask. The guy would still be Bats, but it would be weird that he didn't look like Bats anymore, and I wouldn't like it. I mean, would you like it if I had a normal skin color and brown hair, for instance?"

"I'd still love you," retorted Harley. "But I guess it would be a little disconcerting."

She kissed him. "Although…it _is _still Valentine's Day. What do you say you put on a little of that flesh-colored makeup and temporary hair dye, and we roleplay that we're two strangers in a bar meeting for a one night stand? That might turn things from disconcerting to desirable really, really fast."

"That…might work," conceded Joker, returning her kisses. "What would your stranger name be?"

"Mmm, I dunno," purred Harley. "What would yours be?"

"Oh, one of my aliases," he said. "Jack Napier, Jack White, Mark Hamill, that kinda thing."

"I kinda wish I had more aliases," said Harley. "Now I gotta think when I'm getting all excited, which is kinda impossible. Why don't you name me, puddin'?"

"Mmm, all right," he said. "Let me think."

"It can't be a real person," snapped Harley, pulling away suddenly. "I don't want you thinking about anyone else but me. So no female comedians, actresses, reporters, or anyone else who actually exists as a person."

"Fair enough, pooh," he replied. "Let's see…how about Fiona Flufflefeathers?"

"That's a sexy name to you?" demanded Harley.

"No, it's a funny name to me," he replied. "And you know how funny things get me in the mood. And nobody on this earth would ever have such a ridiculous name as Fiona Flufflefeathers, so it's safe from your real person mandate."

"Sounds good," said Harley, nodding as she pulled him toward the bed.

"I thought you wanted me to put on the flesh-colored makeup," he said.

"No, don't worry about that," said Harley. "I'm in the mood right now and I don't wanna wait any longer."

"Hold on a second, pooh," he said, gently pushing her away. "I want to do this right if we're doing this. We're meant to be meeting as strangers in a bar before we move on to the bedroom. So I am putting on the makeup and the temporary hair dye, and I will see you around the corner in _The Stacked Deck_ in five minutes."

"But puddin', I can't go out like this," said Harley. "What if someone sees me?"

"Who's gonna see you at that dump?" demanded Joker. "Just barflys who are too drunk and too dumb to recognize you even if you looked like yourself. Now c'mon, pumpkin, this'll be so much hotter if it's done properly. And you do wanna be done properly, don't you?" he murmured, kissing her.

"I guess," sighed Harley. "All right – see you in five minutes."

Joker left, and Harley waited impatiently, staring at the clock, until the five minutes were up. Then she stood up, pleased at the support the bra gave her in walking, and made her way out of the hideout and around the corner to _The Stacked Deck. _

She pushed open the door and looked around carefully, but the Joker was right – the place was dim and mostly deserted. She entered the bar, and immediately regretted her decision, as the few men who wallowed there all turned and started staring at her chest, open-mouthed.

"Holy moly – Happy Valentine's Day to me!" gasped one of the men, and the other men all murmured in agreement.

Harley felt horribly uncomfortable being stared at, but she was saved from the awkwardness by a familiar voice gasping, "Harley?"

Harley turned with dread to see one of their henchmen, Rocco, staring at her in disbelief. "Harley…what…" he stammered.

"Shh, Roc!" hissed Harley, hurrying over to him. "I got a temporary boob job done for Valentine's Day, but they'll be back to normal soon, so don't tell anybody about it, ok?"

"Uh…ok," said Rocco, slowly. "But what are you doing here?"

"Me and Mr. J are gonna do a little sexy roleplay," whispered Harley. "He's gonna pick me up at this bar and take me back to the hideout. Just pretend you don't notice, and I'll make it up to you. I don't want this thing with my boobs getting out – it's kinda embarrassing."

"Don't worry, Harley," said Rocco. "Lips are sealed. And there's nobody in this dive who recognizes you anyway," he said, looking around. "But then again, some men don't focus on faces."

"Yeah, I've noticed," muttered Harley. "They're just boobs, guys!" she shouted. "I'm sure you've seen 'em before, but then looking at some of you, maybe you ain't!"

"Well, J's here, so I'm just gonna go," said Rocco, as the Joker entered the bar wearing flesh-colored makeup and dark hair dye. "Happy Valentine's Day, Harley."

"Thanks, Roc," said Harley, taking a seat at the bar as her heart pounded in excitement.

"Hi," said Joker, sitting down next to her. "Can I buy you a drink?"

"I guess," said Harley, trying to feign disinterest.

Joker beckoned the bartender over and ordered two drinks. "You know, this is kinda a dangerous place for an attractive dame like you to be all alone," continued Joker, turning back to her.

"I can handle myself," replied Harley.

"I bet you can," he replied. "But wouldn't you prefer it if someone else handled you?"

Harley couldn't resist giggling, taking her drink from the bartender and sipping playfully on her straw. "I'm Mark Hamill – nice to meet you," Joker said, holding out his hand.

"Fiona Flufflefeathers," said Harley, shaking his hand.

"Miss Flufflefeathers, I don't know if anyone has ever told you this, but you have a beautiful name," he said. "Among other things," he added with a grin.

"I'm sure you mean my eyes," replied Harley. "Which are up here," she added.

"Yes, I'm sure the first thing everyone notices is your beautiful eyes," he said, grinning. "Tell me, Miss Flufflefeathers, would you be looking for somebody to ruffle your feathers tonight?"

"I'm not sure what you mean, Mr. Hamill," she replied.

"I can be a little obtuse sometimes – let me just get straight to the point and grab life by the lemons, as it were," he said, putting his hand on her breast.

"Mr. Hamill!" exclaimed Harley, throwing her drink in his face suddenly. "You cad!"

The act of violence, tame as it was, was the final straw for the Joker, who suddenly seized her in his arms and began mauling her with kisses. Harley returned them, running her hands through his hair and down his face. Her caresses, combined with the drink she had thrown at him, caused the dye and makeup to begin to drip off, revealing him to be the Joker.

They remained in the bar only a few more moments before swiftly heading back to the hideout, remaining constantly locked in a passionate embrace. Their little roleplay had had its intended effect on them, but a completely unintended, unexpected, and unwanted effect had also resulted from it.

One of the lonely men in _The Stacked Deck_ was newly single reporter Jack Ryder, who hadn't shaved in days, and hadn't expected anything this Valentine's Day except to drown his sorrows in liquor at the bar. He had definitely not expected the scoop of the century to fall into his lap while there, but cell phones being as discreet as they are, he even had photographic proof that the Joker was cheating on Harley Quinn by having an affair with a woman named Fiona Flufflefeathers.


	5. Chapter 5

"I honestly can't decide what I hate most about Valentine's Day," said Jonathan Crane, as he walked down Grand Avenue with his friend and roommate Jervis Tetch. "I don't know if it's the sugary, idealized version of romance on display in every shop window, the constant advertisements reminding you that you should have a partner who you should be spending vast amounts of money on to show you care, or the happy couples everywhere exuding the subtle insinuation that if you're alone, you're worthless, and will die that way."

"Well, we're not quite alone – we have each other, after all," said Tetch. "And a friend may not technically be a Valentine, but I think it's no bad thing to have. And I told you, you didn't have to come along on these errands. I need to get my oysters from the fishmonger to make my oyster bisque for dinner, but you could have stayed at home and avoided the whole Valentine's Day ethos."

"First of all, I've told you to stop calling the fish counter at the supermarket a fishmonger," retorted Crane. "That gives it a kind of dignity it doesn't deserve. Second of all, I doubt there will be any oysters for sale this late on Valentine's Day – they're an aphrodisiac, you know, and they've probably all been bought out by happy couples to get them in the mood for tonight's…activities. And third of all, I need to scope out which particularly nauseating location I'm going to fear gas tonight. Though I would actually be doing the world a favor if I just fear gassed all of them. I mean, look at that! Look at the size of that teddy bear! Nobody needs that!"

"I bet Harley would like it," said Tetch, lightly.

"I bet Harley won't get it, either," retorted Crane. "Assuming her useless boyfriend even remembers what day it is, which I'm not counting on. That poor woman really deserves better."

"Yes, so you've said," sighed Tetch. "Many, many times. Look, why don't you just wait outside and I'll go into the store to get the groceries? You might see some bouquets or chocolates in there that will set you off again."

"Oh yes, very well," sighed Crane. "Off you go then."

He waited on the corner outside the store, noticing a restaurant opposite which was strewn with hearts hanging from the ceiling, and doe-eyed couples gazing at each other in adoration. "Yes, a very likely candidate," he said to himself, nodding thoughtfully.

"Extra! Extra! Read all about it!" shouted the newsboy, who had just received copies of the evening edition. "Joker caught cheating on girlfriend Harley Quinn in Valentine's Day tryst – photos inside!"

"What?" demanded Crane, rounding on him. "Let me see that!"

"It's fifty cents," retorted the boy.

"I don't have fifty cents, but do you know who I am?" demanded Crane.

"Broke, if you don't have fifty cents," retorted the boy.

"Yes, very clever, aren't you droll?" sneered Crane. "Just give me that!" he said, snatching it out of his hands.

"Hey, I'm getting a cop!" shouted the boy, racing off.

"Yes, go do that," muttered Crane, opening the paper. "Oh my God, that shameful cad!" he hissed, seeing the picture of the Joker embracing a woman who didn't appear to be Harley. Her face was hidden by her hair, and Joker's hands, but her body type was all wrong for Harley. "The poor child is going to be absolutely distraught – how could the monster do this to her?"

He folded the paper shut. "Well, maybe this is just the wake-up call she needs. Maybe she'll finally see the creature's true colors, and leave him at last to find someone better, which she deserves. It could be the best thing that ever happened to her in the long run. And perhaps the best thing that could ever happen to me."

He brightened considerably. "I wonder if she's seen this yet. No reason to spare her from the truth any longer than necessary – I'll be doing her a favor bringing this to her attention as quickly as possible. The sooner it's broken to her, the sooner she'll recover. Jervis!" he said, entering the grocery store. "Come on – we need to go over to Joker and Harley's right now."

"No, the last thing we need to do is interrupt the clowns on Valentine's Day," retorted Tetch. "At least until I perfect that memory erasing machine. I just don't need to see what they get up to – it's probably very disturbing."

"Harley needs to see this right now," said Crane, holding out the paper to him. "She shouldn't waste another moment of her life with a man who thinks so little of her feelings that he can cheat on her."

"Oh my goodness…I don't believe it!" gasped Tetch, taking the paper from him.

"What don't you believe?" demanded Crane. "That the Joker, a serial liar and abuser, is also a cheater?"

"Well, yes," said Tetch, nodding. "He is both those things, but he's never shown any interest in other women before. And rarely even in Harley. I think it's a little surprising, and largely out of character."

"There's photographic evidence – don't you trust your own eyes?" demanded Crane.

"I do trust my eyes, but photographs can be easily doctored in this day and age," said Tetch. "I wouldn't pay it any mind, Jonathan, and I certainly wouldn't go tell Harley about it."

"Jervis, this isn't some unreliable tabloid that makes up fake news!" snapped Crane. "This is the _Gotham Gazette_, the premiere newspaper of Gotham City and recipient of several Pulitzers!"

"Oh, all newspapers are the same," retorted Tetch. "All hoping to profit by sensationalizing everything, or making things up when it's a slow news day. It's all very well to not engage with reality, but not when you're responsible for informing others about reality - that's just shockingly irresponsible. Anyway, any so-called newspaper that would print celebrity gossip like that clearly has no sense of journalistic integrity. You go over to Joker and Harley's if you want, but don't say I didn't warn you."

"Fine," said Crane. "But I'm getting Harley that giant teddy bear – she'll need something to console herself with after her reality is completely shattered."

"Fine," sighed Tetch. "If it'll make you feel better, go and get it and we'll check out."

Crane obeyed, heading over to pick up the teddy bear which was almost as tall as he was, and then rejoining Tetch in line. "I think it's really sweet that you two can just forgive each other after a little fight by buying a bear," said the woman behind them. "That's the real spirit of Valentine's Day."

"We're not a couple!" snapped Crane.

"Of course," said the woman, nodding. "That teddy bear is for a woman named Harley. Gotcha," she said, winking.

"Jonathan, don't…" began Tetch, noticing the murderous look in his friend's eyes. "Let's just leave here without causing a fuss…"

"The police are already on their way because I stole the newspaper – just take the groceries and go!" snapped Crane, readying the fear toxin on his glove. "Happy Valentine's Day to all, and to all a good fright!"

"I really can't take him anywhere," muttered Tetch, as he hurried with the stolen groceries from the store, which instantly filled up with fear gas.


	6. Chapter 6

"Well, Miss Flufflefeathers, I was not expecting you to be such a naughty girl," sighed Joker, as he and Harley lay in bed together.

"I think you kinda were though, Mr. Hamill," purred Harley, kissing him. "You're right, puddin', this was super hot," she said, cuddling against him. "We should do stranger roleplay more often. Even when my boobs are back to normal, I could get a wig or something."

"Speaking of which, what is keeping that useless weed with your cure?" demanded Joker, reaching for his phone.

"Aw, c'mon, puddin', don't nag her," said Harley, grabbing it away from him. "I'm sure she's working as fast as she can, but this science stuff takes trial and error."

"That had better be what it is – she better not have dumped this project to go on some Valentine's Day date with Harvey or something," growled Joker.

"No, Harvey's outta town this year," said Harley. "Red's big Valentine's Day plan was to pick up a stranger in a bar and use her serum on them, so I think she can put that on hold."

"Well, I certainly enjoyed it," chuckled Joker. "All the fun of meeting new people without the risk of picking up STDs!"

"I enjoyed pretending to be appalled by the clown stuff, and then gradually getting into it," agreed Harley. "I think it really spices up a relationship by bringing almost a different perspective to it. I'll certainly bear it in mind if I ever get my shrink license back and go into couples counseling."

"Do you think anybody is gonna hire a therapist who's also a notorious criminal?" asked Joker.

"I don't see why not – I have a unique and therefore valuable insight into insanity," replied Harley. "And our relationship is so strong and solid, it's a role model for any couple."

"That's true, pooh," said Joker, kissing her and sitting up. "I'm gonna get a snack – you want any ice cream?" he asked, getting dressed.

"Yeah, with all the trimmings," said Harley, nodding. "Sprinkles, chocolate fudge sauce, peanut butter, whipped cream, nuts, bananas, marshmallows, Reese's Pieces, M&Ms, Oreos, and cherries."

"I'll throw in the kitchen sink too," chuckled Joker, as he headed for the kitchen. He whistled as he scooped ice cream into two bowls, and then added all the toppings.

There was a knock on the door, and Joker paused on his way back to the bedroom, balancing the ice cream bowls in one hand as he opened it.

"Johnny, what an unpleasant surprise," he commented. "What are you doing here? And what's with the giant teddy bear?"

"Oh, I think you know exactly what I'm doing here!" snapped Crane. "Did you think you could just get away with it?"

"Get away with…what?" asked Joker, slowly. "I get away with a lotta stuff – I'm the Joker. Are you talking about those bodies I hid in the Wax Museum that nobody's found yet? Or that map to buried treasure I stuck on the back of the Declaration of Independence? Or those barrels of toxic waste I stored underneath the playground to see if I could create my own race of clown mutants?"

"Is this a joke to you?" demanded Crane.

"Uh…yes," said Joker. "I'm the Joker, so…pretty much everything is a joke to me. Including whatever you think I've gotten away with."

"Well, you are not getting away with treating that precious angel like dirt this time!" snapped Crane. "You were caught, you appalling libertine, and now the world knows what a disgusting creature you are, and she will too, mark my words!"

"What?" asked Joker, genuinely confused. "What are you talking about? I think you've actually snapped this time, Craney, with your hallucinations…"

"I'm not hallucinating this!" he snapped, shoving the paper in his face. "You were photographed philandering with another woman!"

Joker stared at the headline _Joker Enjoys Bar Liaison with Mystery Woman, _and then his eyes fixed on the image in the paper. "Well, darn," he muttered.

"That's all you have to say after being caught red-handed?" demanded Crane. "Well, darn?"

"Yeah, look, it's not what you think…" began Joker.

"Don't go making excuses!" interrupted Crane. "You can't talk your way out of this one when the proof is right in front of your eyes!"

"No, you've got this wrong, and you wanna stop now before you embarrass yourself," retorted Joker. "Because that's me and Harley in that photo."

Crane stared at him. "You must think I'm a complete idiot to buy that!" he retorted. "That looks nothing like Harley!"

"You can't even see her face – you're just judging by her appearance, and frankly, that's a little insulting of you, Craney," retorted Joker. "But trust me, it's Harley."

"Where _is_ Harley?" demanded Crane. "Because I think she needs to know about this, don't you?"

"No, I don't," snapped Joker. "I think it would just upset her for no reason. This is gonna blow over in a few days, and it's better that she doesn't know so she doesn't freak out…"

"You are actually despicable, you know that?" demanded Crane. "She has a right to know you cheated on her!"

"No, she doesn't, because I didn't!" snapped Joker. "Plus this is really none of your business, so why don't you get the hell off my property before I murder you with an ice cream spoon, and you know that ain't an empty threat on my part!"

Joker's phone rang suddenly. "Harley, thank God!" he said, answering it.

"Puddin', what's going on out there?" asked Harley. "I heard shouting…"

"Would you please tell Professor Lame here that I've been with you all day?" demanded Joker, passing the phone over to Crane.

"It's true, Johnny, he has," said Harley. "What's up?"

"Harley, it pains me to be the bearer of bad tidings, but the paper has published a photo of the Joker in the arms of another woman," said Crane.

"Aw, that's just cheap, tabloid gossip, Johnny," said Harley. "They use all sorts of photo-editing tricks to fake these scandals. Remember Bat Boy? Although I think the jury's still out on whether he's Batman's illegitimate kid or not…anyway, trust me, that isn't Mr. J in the photo. He hasn't been outta my sight all day until just now when he went to get ice cream."

"No, he was fooling around earlier with a woman called Fiona Flufflefeathers, according to this article," said Crane. "Ridiculous name if you ask me."

Harley was silent. "The…the papers have printed that?" she stammered. "Do they…have a picture of her?"

"You can't see her face clearly, but she appears to be blonde, wearing a green dress, and with a prominent bust," said Crane. "She's not someone you know, is she?"

"Uh…she might be," stammered Harley. "This story…it _is _in a tabloid, right?"

"No, it's in the _Gotham Gazette_," retorted Crane. "Written by Jack Ryder, who submitted the photos, apparently, and gives his own eyewitness account."

"Really? Jack Ryder?" demanded Harley. "Now that's a little insulting – you'd think he'd recognize me no matter how I look superficially after his whole Creeper obsession with me! But I guess that was just superficial too, and I'm gonna stop being flattered by it!"

"Harley, what are you talking about?" asked Crane.

"Just…come into the bedroom, Johnny," sighed Harley. "I guess you deserve the truth."

"Hey pooh, just make sure you're wearing something," said Joker, taking the phone back from Crane as he headed into the bedroom. "Don't wanna give the professor a heart attack, because I sure as heck ain't giving him CPR. On second thought, maybe don't be wearing something and _do _give him a heart attack and do us all a favor."

Crane glared at Joker as he opened the door. "Ok, don't freak out," said Harley, who had pulled on Ivy's dress and turned to face him. "They're not permanent."

Crane stared at her, open-mouthed. "Harley…what have you done?" he gasped.

"I was drunk, and stupid, and I injected my boobs with this serum Red made to make guys bigger to surprise Mr. J on Valentine's Day, but he doesn't like 'em because they're from Red, and because he loves me for who I am, and I don't like 'em because they're a huge pain in the ass and make it hard for me to do the things I usually do, like my gymnastics, so both of us want me to go back to normal, but this serum Red made is new, and she has to make an antidote from scratch, so we thought while we're waiting for Red to fix 'em, we'd do some roleplay as strangers picking each other up at a bar, which was really hot and really spiced up our sex life, but now people are thinking that Mr. J actually picked up another girl at a bar, and they're gonna think he's cheating on me, and I know I shouldn't care about the opinions of people who hate Mr. J for being a murderer anyway, but if he actually were cheating on me, I'd kill him slowly and painfully, and I certainly wouldn't stick around him because I've actually got more self-worth than that, and Mr. J knows it, but now I'm gonna have to stick around and play the devoted girlfriend even though everyone thinks he cheated on me, and I don't want people thinking of me as some weak pushover who ain't got no backbone because I'm afraid to stand up to a guy who cheats on me, and I know people already think I'm a weak pushover with no backbone because I put up with the abuse and the violence, but I love the abuse and the violence, and people don't get that so they think I'm pathetic and weak, and this will only add to that, and this whole mess could have been avoided if I just didn't feel so insecure, but I am secure in Mr. J's feelings for me, so that's all I need, but now there's gonna be horrible consequences all because I was subconsciously influenced by societal ideas of female attractiveness, and I valued those over my own ideas of self and the guy who loves me!"

She burst into tears, and Joker handed her the ice cream bowl. "It's probably mostly melted after that long sentence, but it'll make you feel better," he said.

"Harley…you honestly don't know how beautiful you are?" stammered Crane. "I mean…before all this…not that you're not attractive now," he added, hastily. "Although I've never found that feature of a woman particularly desirable."

"That's right – I forget you're gay," sniffed Harley, eating her ice cream.

"I'm not gay," snapped Crane. "Men just have different preferences…but anyway, it shouldn't matter…"

"I know it shouldn't!" sobbed Harley, stuffing her face with ice cream. "But it does! I know intellectually I shouldn't care, but when you've got people telling you your whole life that you don't look good enough, when you were bullied at school for being different and unattractive, you can tell yourself whatever you want, but it _does_ matter!"

"I understand how you might think that, believe me," said Crane, gently. "But it doesn't matter, Harley. Just because it hurts doesn't mean it matters."

"Now c'mon, pooh, dry those eyes," said Joker. "I got a great, fun thing we can do to end Valentine's Day on a high note, and sort this whole mess out."

"Yeah?" asked Harley, sniffing as she wiped her eyes. "What is it?"

"We find Jack Ryder and threaten him with death unless he publicly admits he doctored those photos," said Joker. "And if he doesn't comply, we'll actually kill him. Wouldn't that be a perfect, romantic end to the day?"

"I guess," agreed Harley. She sniffled. "Can we beat him a little even if he does comply?"

"Of course we can, pooh bear," said Joker, patting her head. "Whatever my bloodthirsty little baby wants."

"Aw, Mr. J, you're just the greatest!" said Harley, embracing him tightly. "And you too, Johnny – it's sweet of you to come all the way over here to defend my honor," she said, hugging him and planting a kiss on his cheek. "You're such a great friend. That's probably why I keep thinking you're gay, because you're like my gay best friend. Just sweet and thoughtful and always there for me. I really appreciate it, and I especially appreciate you taking the time out of your day when you're clearly on your way to see some lucky lady who's gonna get a giant teddy bear from you. Now c'mon, Mr. J, let's go find ourselves a reporter to threaten," she said, taking Joker's hand and leading him out of the bedroom.

"See you around, Professor Friendzone!" chuckled Joker. "Have a happy Valentine's Day with nobody tonight!"

"I'll have you know, I'm intending to have a very happy Valentine's Day with a large number of people tonight!" snapped Crane. "In that I'm going to fear gas them, not in the way you might be thinking with orgies and such…oh, never mind," he muttered, crumpling up the newspaper and throwing it over his shoulder. "It's just no use, and nobody cares. I might just stay in and drink tonight," he said, stuffing the teddy bear in a dumpster on his way out. "I truly hate this holiday."


	7. Chapter 7

"Well, Jack, you're back on top again," said Jack Ryder to his reflection in his mirror, as he combed his hair back from his freshly-shaved face. "And just in time to pick up an attractive date for Valentine's Day. I don't know how you do it – great stories just seem to fall into your lap, like your close shave with Deadshot, or your confrontation with Deacon Blackfire, or that time you got the Riddler to write the puzzle section of the paper that week they were giving away a trip to Bermuda to whoever could solve it. Granted, nobody won the prize because the Riddler made the puzzle too difficult, but that turned out to be exactly what the paper wanted so it wouldn't have to shell out the money for the trip. You're just a lucky guy, I guess, and I got a good feeling you're gonna get lucky again tonight," he chuckled, spraying on some cologne and then heading for the door to his apartment.

"Not so fast, creep," muttered a familiar voice. "Or should that be Creeper?"

Jack turned slowly around to see a figure hidden in the shadows. "Um…I think you must be mistaking me for someone else," he said, slowly. "I'm Jack Ryder, a perfectly normal reporter with no secret identity whatsoever…"

"C'mon, that crap excuse didn't work for Clark Kent, and it won't work for you," said the figure, as he stepped out of the shadows and into the light.

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Jack, looking around desperately for something to defend himself with. "Look, Mr. Joker, I know you're probably upset I published that photo of you cheating on your girlfriend, but it was just business, you know, nothing personal…I don't judge you for it or anything…"

"Oh, I kinda think you do," said Joker, smiling at him. "I kinda think you have a thing for my girlfriend, don't you, Creeper?"

"I…don't know what you mean by that," stammered Jack. "I don't know what you're talking about, in fact…"

"How do you activate it?" interrupted Joker. "Is there a certain emotion you have to feel in order for the freak to manifest itself? Like anger in the Hulk?"

"What's the Hulk?" asked Jack, confused.

Joker snapped his fingers. "No, I got it!" he said. "I know what'll trigger it if anything will. Harley, can you be a dear and come on in here?"

"Sure thing, puddin'!" said Harley, as she climbed in through the window. Or at least, she attempted to, but she got caught halfway because of her difficulty in squeezing her breasts through. Joker had to tug her the rest of the way, pulling her free suddenly so she landed on top of him. Jack saw her and her modified appearance, and his eyes popped. And then he choked, falling to his knees, as his skin slowly began to turn yellow, and his hair green.

"Woah, Momma!" exclaimed the Creeper, beaming up at Harley. "I used to think you couldn't get any hotter, baby, but just take a look at those jugs!"

"Yeah, nothing brings out the creeps like a gal with big boobs," sighed Harley. "Why doncha come take a closer look at them?" she purred, beckoning him. Creeper eagerly obeyed, and that was when Harley kicked him hard in the jaw, and then slammed her hammer across his face.

"Here you go, puddin', take your shot!" she said, tossing her hammer at Joker, who seized it and clubbed Creeper in the back of the skull.

"Your turn, Harl!" he said, slamming the hammer into Creeper's body and sending him flying toward her. Harley jumped, kicking him in the chest, and then attempted to flip in the air so she would land with her fist in his face. Unfortunately, her new body weighed a lot more than she was used to, and she only succeeded in hitting herself in the face with her breasts, and then landing flat on the ground, cupping her nose in pain.

"I hate these stupid things!" she sobbed. "They're throwing off all my acrobatic training!"

"Well, you're the only one who hates 'em!" said Creeper, who didn't seem at all fazed by the beating. "I think they're incredible!"

"Yeah, well, they're not yours, pal!" snapped Joker, grabbing him by the collar. "And they're not gonna be Harley's for much longer, but I needed you to see her like this so you can retract your stupid story!"

"What stupid story?" asked Creeper, puzzled.

"The one where you accused me of cheating on Harley!" snapped Joker. "Because as you can see, the woman I was with _was_ Harley! But because we don't want the public at large knowing about this little incident, you're gonna publicly admit that you made up that story, and that you doctored those photos, or Harley and I are gonna finish Valentine's Day by murdering a reporter and his ridiculous secret identity along with him!"

"But J-man, look at it from my point of view," said Creeper. "If I say I made it up, I'll never work in this town again. I'll lose everything – my job and my reputation…"

"I hate to break it to you, pal, but those things are gonna be lost anyway if I tell everyone that you're the less scary but more crazy-in-a-lame-way version of me!" snapped Joker. "Especially when they find out about your repeated yet unwanted advances toward Harley. It's not a good climate for public figures who don't respect women at the moment, you know. But it's your choice, Jack. You can choose not to obey me, and I'll break your secret identity to the world right after I break your spine, or you can choose to obey me, and live to creep another day. What do you say, sport?"

"I'm thinking," said Creeper. "It's hard for me, you know."

"Fine, you think – I'll do some crunches to prepare for spine snapping," said Joker. "I'm no Bane, but I think you'll find me equal to the task – let me just get in a more comfortable position," he said, putting his arm around Creeper's neck, so that his body was bent back. "Harley and I have already had sex a few times today, but watching me break somebody's spine is really gonna get her in the mood again, isn't it, pooh?"

"Do it slowly, puddin'," purred Harley, licking her lips. "I wanna hear each vertebrae snap one by one…"

"All right, I give!" exclaimed Creeper, as Joker began pressing down on his spine. "I'll say…I made a mistake, and apologize! Public figures do that all the time and it doesn't seem to hurt their reputations!"

"Good man!" exclaimed Joker, releasing him. "I'll expect to read your retraction in the paper tomorrow just as prominently as this story was displayed, or an anonymous tip is going to be sent to the _Gotham Gazette _informing them that their reporter Jack Ryder is also the Creeper, notorious sexual harasser. You won't last a day with that kinda record in this environment, pal. Now you go out there and have a happy Valentine's Day, and remember, if a gal says no, it means no!" he chuckled, dusting him off. "C'mon, Harl, our work here is done."

Creeper stared after them, as he slowly turned back into Jack Ryder. "Great," he muttered. "The scoop of the century I have to retract it. Oh well," he sighed, heading back to the mirror to examine his face and hoping he didn't look too beat up. "Knowing my luck, something else is bound to come along soon. But right now, I'm just gonna enjoy my date with a nice, normal girl for Valentine's Day. I should probably call her and tell her I'm running late," he said, taking out his phone. "Blind dates usually aren't my thing, but something about this Mary Dahl just seems promising…"


	8. Chapter 8

Poison Ivy had spent her Valentine's Day slaving over the antidote to her serum, and she had just finished testing it that evening when there was a knock on her door. "I've just finished it now, J…" she began, throwing open the door, but it wasn't the Joker who stood there. It was Two-Face.

"Oh…Harvey…you're back," she stammered.

"Yeah…you were expecting J?" asked Two-Face, puzzled. "On Valentine's Day?"

"It's a long story, trust me," said Ivy. "But not what you think. Come in – I just need to call Harley and J so they can pick this up, and then we can go out somewhere for dinner and I'll tell you all about it."

"Could we…stay in?" he asked, slowly. "I'm sorry, I'm just…not in the mood to deal with crowds of people, and everywhere's gonna be packed for Valentine's Day."

"Yeah, we can do that if you want," said Ivy, nodding as she dialed a number. "We'll get pizza or something, but it needs to be that gluten free dough and no tomatoes. Hi, J, the antidote's ready," she said into the phone. "Can you swing by and pick it up? Ok, great, see you soon," she said, hanging up. "He and Harley are apparently around anyway – said they had to beat someone nearby. It's been a weird Valentine's Day for everyone, me especially," she sighed. "I've been working nonstop since this morning – I probably look like hell."

"You look beautiful," said Two-Face, sincerely. "You always look beautiful, especially when you've been working with your plants. They make you happy, and that's what makes you beautiful."

"You're sweet, Harvey," said Ivy, smiling. She kissed him. "I'm glad you came back. I don't like admitting it, but I did miss you. Spending tonight with anybody else…it just wouldn't have been the same. That's why I invented this serum in the first place, in fact," she said, picking it up. "I thought I could make a guy like you where it counts. But…that's not the only thing that counts, obviously. And even with this, I wasn't that excited about going out with someone else tonight. Maybe I'm getting older and wiser, but for some reason I prefer the old, comfortable, familiar pattern that we have to anything new and different and exciting."

"Thanks…I think?" said Two-Face, slowly.

"Yeah, that didn't come out right," sighed Ivy. "I'm just trying to say that I'm glad you're here with me."

"I'm glad to be here," he agreed. "But…I shouldn't be. I disobeyed the coin twice. It told me not to come back here to you, but…I chose to." He forced a smile. "It's a weird feeling. I haven't chosen to do anything in a long time."

"Well, maybe you can choose to do me," murmured Ivy, kissing him as she settled herself on his lap. They were interrupted by the doorbell ringing.

"That'll be the clowns," said Ivy. "Don't freak out when you see Harley."

"Why would I…" began Two-Face, but he stopped talking when he saw Joker and Harley standing in the doorway. "Oh," he finished. "I see."

"Here you go, Harley – inject both breasts with this and they'll be back to normal by tomorrow," said Ivy, handing her a syringe.

"Aw, I hate shots," said Harley, frowning. "I only injected myself the first time because I was drunk and thought I wouldn't be able to feel it, but I was wrong."

"I'll do it, pooh," said Joker, taking the syringe. "I know how much you love pain from your Mr. J."

"Mmm, I do, puddin'," giggled Harley. "How about we go back home, and we can play dirty patient and naughty doctor, and you can give me the injection then?"

"Really? You're in the mood again?" sighed Joker. "Haven't you had enough for one Valentine's Day, Harley?"

"Well, we did get to beat Jack Ryder – how did you think that was gonna affect me?" demanded Harley. "Don't start the violence if you can't handle the results, puddin'."

"I guess that's fair," sighed Joker. "Who could have guessed that violent behavior would have horrible consequences? You learn something new every day, I guess. Catch you later, Weed Lady. Harvey, you're back!" he said, just noticing him. "Harley said you were out of town."

"I was," said Two-Face, nodding. "I came back to spend the evening with Pam."

"Aw, that's sweet," said Harley, smiling at them. "I think you two are a really good couple."

"We're not a couple," snapped Ivy.

"And you thinking we're a good one is not helping," agreed Two-Face.

"Why not?" demanded Harley. "I was just saying to Mr. J how strong and solid our relationship is, so I think I'm a pretty good judge of what makes a good couple."

"Yeah…you keep thinking that, Harley," said Ivy, slowly. "See you both later – happy Valentine's Day," she said, shutting the door on them. "Now where were we?" she asked, turning to Two-Face.

"I think I was about to choose to do you," he replied, smiling as he embraced her.

"You know, you should probably talk to Dr. Leland about your breakthrough at some point," said Ivy. "I think it's a really big step, and I'm really proud of you, Harvey."

"You are?" he asked, hopefully.

"Well, I will be if you choose me," she replied, smiling at him. "What's it gonna be, Valentine?"

Two-Face took his coin out of his pocket and flipped it. "Bad side," he murmured. "It means no, I shouldn't do this."

"But?" asked Ivy, cocking her head to one side.

"But…to hell with it," he said, embracing her again.

"Good boy," she said, beaming. "Now before we head to the bedroom, let's put the pizza order in. You want pepperoni or sausage?"

Two-Face looked at her, and then flipped the coin again. "Bad side is sausage," he said as the coin landed bad side up.

"Yeah, but I think I prefer pepperoni," she said.

"But the coin says sausage," said Two-Face, holding it out to her. "So let's have that."

"You'll disobey the coin for me, but not when it comes to pizza toppings?" asked Ivy.

"I guess that's how this works," said Two-Face, nodding. "Hey, at least it's progress."

"I guess," sighed Ivy, kissing him. "Baby steps, Harvey. Baby steps."

**The End**


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